making a change, the semicolon tattoo, and mental health

 I've been holding this one for Mental Health Month.

This blog is one of the changes I’ve made.

 

I came to a place in life where I needed to make some big changes, and I needed to mark those changes in a definitive way. I needed a symbol. I came on the semicolon, because the semicolon is the place where the sentence changes direction.

I needed to change direction. And I needed to mark the change. 

 

I’ve never been a tattoo guy. But I took it into my head to get a semicolon tattoo, to be a mark and a reminder of the change I need to make, and to help me persist in the new direction.

Now, I research everything. So I did a quick search on semicolon tattoos. And I came on Project Semicolon. They appear to be less active now, but not many years ago, it was a project for starting conversations about suicide, among people who have been affected by it, and people who have considered or attempted.

Holy crap.

Because on March 15, 2023, at about 1:30-2:00 am, I got in the car, drove to the parking lot outside the gate of the Raritan Crossing Apartments (I didn’t know there would be a lot there), and got out of the car. The Goodkind bridges carry Route 1 over the Raritan River. The northbound bridge is named for Morris Goodkind; the southbound for his son Donald. I was doing reconnaissance on a place to end my life.

I walked out of the lot, came around a forgotten war memorial, and walked until I was on the Morris Goodkind Bridge. Before it crosses the river, the bridge crosses over a wooded, marshy land area. The drop from the bridge is certainly enough to be fatal.

Let's take just a minute to talk about suicide generally. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), men account for 76% of suicide deaths, and there are 3.3 male suicide deaths for every female suicide death, although women make twice to three times as many attempts as men. Some of this difference is due to men choosing methods that are more likely to be fatal. I suspect, but don't have data, that another reason is that women tell people about their suicidal ideation at a higher rate than men (see the page linked earlier in this paragraph).

It's serious stuff. Now back to my recent experience.

I hadn’t planned to jump, only to get the information about where to jump. I could land in that land area and my body might be found. I got in the car and came home.

For days thereafter, the thought kept intruding in my head that there was nothing – nothing – stopping me from killing myself. I'd thought about suicide before, but I felt like something always was able to stop me... but whatever mystery or magic that was, wasn't there any more. I didn’t have an intention, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it… until I resolved to actually get the semicolon tattoo. And once I’d made the resolution, the thought passed.

I checked into tattoo establishments, found one that had a good reputation, checked with the local gods and they seemed to approve of the place. I made the appointment and got the tattoo.

 

(I write that as if it were that straightforward. It wasn't. Just entering the tattoo establishment was like entering a land of myth, a world where I don't belong. For someone else, it might just be a place to get more ink; for me, it's a place where transformations and transfigurations can happen. It borders Wonderland, and Mordor, and Eden.)

It was definitely the right thing to do (and many thanks to Rabbit's Den Tattoo in Milltown). I see the tattoo all the time, and every time I do, it’s a reminder of two things:

• It was time to make a change in my life, and I’m not to stray back from the change, and

• Suicide is not the way to deal with the stress that led to the change, or the stress that has arisen since.

It treads on the edges of mystery and magic, but it's not all-powerful. I've still got to keep my focus and maintain my disciplines. The powerful sword given to the mythical hero could just as easily be used for murder and tyranny, as for heroism and unity.

But I'm still here. And I’ll be glad to hear your story if you want.

I've long been out of the closet as a person in recovery from substance dependence, and recently came out as having mental health problems. Silence on this issue is not helpful. Minimizing the problem is not helpful. 

If you're one of us, do something.